Silence is an interesting word. The denotation is obvious; the absence of sound or noise. However, it's the connotations tonight that have me disoriented. Silence to me right now means isolated, nervous, helpless, bored, pensive. This is because I'm into the second night 'alone' while Jillian and Megan are off in Michigan tiptoeing through the tulips and hanging out with the Bootes.
Ironically while Jill's been gone I've been hosting our friend Courtney while she is in Cincy for a work conference. Last night we grabbed dinner with friends and caught up with each other, and it was the first night of being without Megan and Jillian so I could survive it. But tonight Courtney is visiting with some other friends for the night, and I took the dog to the kennel because I'm headed to Chicago tomorrow. So the house is deathly still. Probably for the first time since Feb. 29th.
Earlier today it was nice and relaxing, don't get me wrong, I definitely enjoyed a few hours to myself of having nothing to do or anyone to care for. But now I wish my baby girl was around. Jillian called me on my way home from school and I got to hear Megan's grunts and I got a crescent-moon smile just picturing her face in my head. Part of me wonders if other dads feel like this too, this separation anxiety from their family when they are gone on business trips or vice versa. I don't recall my dad ever showing that type of emotional fragility, but I was also the youngest so I was never observant enough to notice it.
In the way distant past, PM (pre Megan), when Jillian would leave on business trips, my friends in Cincy would always have to listen to my whining after a few days about her being gone and the introspective funk it would put me in. Now, I have two girls out and about, and that makes it all the more difficult. That trait is why I felt ready to be a father, because of that void within me when the person I cared so deeply about was gone. I need that companionship in my life. And now I get it from Jillian and Megan's absence. I know Megan is in perfect hands, and when she's home she's needy and demanding, frustrating, flummoxing, and tiring. But I love her and she's my daughter and when she's far away I can't protect her.
See you Sunday Megan!
3 comments:
What is even more ironic, is that I (not knowing about this post) proceeded to come home last night and talk your ear off about everything under the sun. I fully expect a new post titled. "Silence- Where did it go?"
But it was great talking with you. It's not often we get to have a little one-on-one, but when we do, I always come away liking you even more.
aww ... thanks Court. Sorry our schedules even with a baby are so confusing. But we/I loved hosting you last week.
I enjoyed our chat too. I think it was really cool to catch up with each other in such a casual way.
The question though is: kickball or softball? The clock is ticking.
Sorry for the delay...but the answer is neither. Because I am lazy. Or busy. Or terrible at sports.....I forget.
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