Our first attempt at parenting

Our friends here in town, the Riels, have a 14-week-old, beautiful baby girl and we are always asking and getting parenting advice from them. They're great at providing the true story of what we are about to face. I like that we'll be about 4-5 months behind them so they can prepare us for all the battles to come. One of the things they provided us with, was this book, 'Parenting with Love and Logic."

I've just finished it and am handing it over to Jillian to read because I think it offers a great base for how to raise children who make their own choices (parent given choices that the parent can live with) and deal with the consequences instead of the parents constantly making the decisions for them. The theory being it's better for kids to learn proper decision making when their younger and the consequences are relatively minor so when they become teenagers and adults, the more scary choices aren't as problematic because they have a solid foundation for making proper decisions. The success comes in the parent's ability to follow through with the consequences. Some of these scenarios you'll see below might sound a bit crazy, but I like the idea of putting the choice on the child and if they choose poorly, they deal with the consequences.

Here is an excerpt from a book review written about it: "Psychiatrist Cline and educator Fay's "Love and Logic" parenting method advocates raising responsible children through practice. "Helicopter" parents hover around their children while "drill sergeant" parents give orders to theirs, they claim. Neither of these styles permits children to learn how to make choices and learn from the consequences. The result is that as early as adolescence these children too often make bad decisions. In the context of a healthy, loving relationship, "Love and Logic" parents teach their children responsibility and the logic of life by solving their own problems, providing skills for coping in the real world. After laying out the principles of "Love and Logic," the authors provide "parenting pearls," which are strategies for applying the method to actual situations such as back-seat battles in the car, homework, and keeping bedrooms clean."

There are finer points to their strategy that I would take too long to go into here, but here is one example of their approach. When a young child is throwing a tantrum at the dinner table you give them the choice of eating nicely at the table or to play on the ground. If they continue to act up they are placed on the floor and have to wait until the next meal. Thus while the child may be hungry in the short term, it only takes one or two times of the parent following through with the consequence that if the child acts up at the dinner table then they don't eat, and they try again at the next meal. The key component is that the parent's job is to offer them love and ask the child probing questions later on about their decision. The parent doesn't yell, get angry, or lose their frustration with the child. I am there as a facilitator if needed. This strategy is supposed to limit those shouting matches between parent-and-child since the child is the one choosing their option. Thus your role is to help them work through the aftermath, but it helps create children who are more independent and can make the proper choices for themselves.

I've only highlighted one of the scenarios, but if you have time I would highly suggest taking a look at it. Plus, for those who have already been parents I'd be curious to know if this is a viable strategy for a new parent, or if you're sitting at your computer scoffing at reading this. It would be a great discussion to have with all you experienced parents.