(Saying goodbye on her big first day)
As much as we tried to keep this day from happening, it came. Our Meg-O left and went to school. She didn't shed a tear, while we were there anyway, and just like that, we've been relegated to observer, no longer her primary caregivers. Just voyeurs, hoping like hell, that we've placed her in the right place where she will enjoy the teachers, the other kids, and most importantly, doesn't forget her mom and dad.
Keep in mind these are the insane ramblings of a first-time father but in my core, that's what this feels like. I know she won't forget me, but after only two days, my time with her has been limited to feeding, bathing, walking, and putting to bed. A pittance compared to what we used to have together.
Ah, life's cruel ironies. All summer I moaned about the long and thankless days of taking care of her and now that they're gone, I can't fathom doing anything else. Planning for the upcoming school year has been woefully incomplete until now. Almost like if I ignore the issue it won't arrive. But it has, and our wonderful summer is officially over.
So far it's been two days and neither Jillian or I have cried, I'm not sure we're those parents yet, but there is definitely a void in my heart. Her teachers said she cried for a little bit in the morning on day one and I'm determined to believe that it was because she missed her daddy. However, I was soon told they gave her a wagon ride and that cleared the tears right up. Daddy who? How do you compete with a wagon ride?
Today when I picked her up she was in her crib clutching a teddy bear. Her teacher said it helped her sleep so if I was okay with it they would keep using it. The cuteness quotient couldn't be surpassed for me. My heart melted seeing her clutching that bear. I wanted to grab her, run out the door, and never bring her back and be the one to give her a bear to sleep.
(Should I be sending her to a school that was got the date wrong on her arrival?)
But I know she's reaching the threshold of needing the stimuli of other children and needing the knowledge of someone with more expertise on early childhood education than I know. For instance, today I learned Megan hasn't been making it to the 3-hour mark with feedings and the teacher would like to up her bottles from 6 oz. feedings to 8 oz. I had noticed it too but just fed her when she cried instead of rationalizing it meant she was in a growth spurt and probably wanted more food. Idiot. (In an eating aside she's completely polished off an entire tub of her Gerber baby food. Before she was having to half it. So I think she is growing.)
The most difficult part of this change, apart from my limited time with her during the week, has been her demeanor. She's never been vibrant in the late afternoons, but whereas with me she would be squirmy and grumble, now she's quiet and lethargic. Maybe it's all that learnin' she's doing, but it makes me even sadder that she's not all "smiles and babbles" to tell me about her day when I pick her up. All she wants is a nap. Is this a sign at how the teenage years will go? An unwillingness to open up, followed by sleep-filled mornings until noon?
Who knew such a myriad of emotions would hit me just from placing my six-month-old into daycare, oops, I mean school. Wouldn't want the yuppie police to fine me. I'm sure these feelings will improve (I refuse to use the term 'pass' because I'm not sure they ever will). What about all you parents out there? I know Jillian's aunt is about to drive thousands of miles to drop her two boys off to college. Does this feeling get better or worse as your child goes off to college? I'm guessing worse because at least Megan still comes home every night. But are you better prepared to deal with the loss by then? I'd be curious to learn what I'm in for. The comments section is yours.
(Me refusing to let go and her frustration at me not letting her be a big girl)
Now if you'll excuse me I have a sudden pang to go stare at my daughter sleep in the dark and try to kiss her forehead without waking her.
7 comments:
Aside from the date error, I wonder if you should be sending her to a school that uses "Kurlz" as their sign font, but that's just design school talking. ;)
This was a big day for you guys, and it seems like you weathered it well. Congrats on taking a big step towards "Big Girl World". I'm sure Megan will continue to flourish (now she just gets to share her fun with more people!)
I think you guys handled it a lot better than I did when Christian went to "daycare"....of course, it was not called school "back in the day"...lol. You guys had her almost 6 months was able to spend that time whereas I had 2 months. If she had gone at 2 months then the emotions would be much higher because she would have been younger and more vulnerable. I remember feeling of the 'daycare raising the kid more than I was!' being in daycare all day...8 hours or so and hope they'd remember you. I bawled for 2 days and even went to see him on my lunch. Wait till Kindergarten...it will be emotional...it was for me for both boys.
Thanks sis. I didn't know that they went to daycare at 2 months. I DEFINITELY would have been a wreck if Megan had left us at two months. Because of the timing I realize Jillian and I were lucky to have her to ourselves as long as we did. Most aren't as fortunate as us and I keep telling myself that six months is a great amount of time and beneficial to both of us for sure.
As for kindergarden ... my heart can only take so much. I refuse to acknowledge that she will ever get bigger. :)
Thanks again for the news. I appreciate your sharing.
BP,
What a beautiful and touching entry. I'm sitting here wiping my eyes and feeling your every pang. You have a way with words. As I write this, a song called "The World is Changing" plays, and perhaps it's appropriate for your experience. I'm guessing we'll both be writing blogs like this one for the next eternity as each change creeps up on our weary parts.
From my perspective, you've provided Meg with wonderful opportunities any way she'll have it. And you're being thoughtful in each decision, something that will speak to her without words. You're definitely doing a fabulous job of parenting (or a good job of blog propaganda), and I'm excited to learn from you both as you take the hard steps before I have to.
Huzzah to the whole fam!
-Jake
ahh, you were better than I... I did shed a tear at 12 weeks when Max went to "the education station." We'll see if I do with Alex in 5 weeks! We are now to the stage with Max that he is slightly disappointed on the weekends when it is not an Apple Tree day... Hmmmm, either he is in a great day care, or we are horrible failures as parents, I'm not sure what the answer is!
--Laura
Brian, We just returned from moving Dave to Villanova and Doug to Washington Univer. It does not get any easier. The house seems very quiet and you wait for the phone to ring or the text message buzzer to go off and hope it is one of them. Enjoy every minute you have with her now. Aunt Nancy
The date on that..July 18..that's my Birthday! It's fate! Meg and I were meant to be twins..18 years apart!
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