Christmas Eve and Me

I am really geeked up for Christmas this year. I was thwarted from the high-wire act that would've been placing lights on my roof in the freezing cold by my wife, but besides that minor mis-step we're set for the potential of a fantastic Christmas ... depending on the mood of our wee one.

We're having Christmas at our house this year and I'm excited to see Megan's face when she comes barreling down the stairs. Okay, we'll probably be carrying her down the stairs, but still. I anticipate the glow from the lights of the tree will only be matched by the wattage being exuded from my smile.

However, with all of that excitement, there are hardships. I found this out first hand earlier this week when I set out to tackle putting her 'big gift' this year together ... a kitchen set. This is the first in what I can only assume will be a long line of items Megan will need me to assemble for her.

Now would be a good time to explain my handyman skills ... (crickets chirping).

That's not a mistake. I don't have any. Everyday I keep waiting for my father-in-law to come and tie me down across some sawhorses and, with his reciprocating saw in hand, question my manhood. In fact, in the interest of full disclosure, when given the choice between wood shop and home economics as an elective in middle school, I chose home ec. So while the other boys were making pencil holders and birdhouses, I learned about making crepes, sewing a stuffed football, and learning about proper nail maintenance (this is not a joke).

At the time I thought it would help me with girls ... I definitely overthought that plan. But ever since then I've only gotten more inept with tools. My friend Dustin, whose Christmas wish list last year included items like a circular miter saw would also be ticked at me. So I had to prove to myself that I could do this alone, without the help of my father-in-law.

But the directions said all I would need to complete this project was one simple Phillips screwdriver. Surely not even I, the anti-Bob Builder, could mess this up. Unpacking the items from the box left me a little daunted. When I saw there were over 100 screws I was going to have to tighten to complete this project, I mumbled some incoherent gibberish and glanced heavenward.

I made it to step 8 before getting frustrated and needing help from my father-in-law. I wasn't proud of that fact, but what can you do. I was having trouble connecting two sides together because I couldn't fit my hand and the screwdriver into the space. It was at this point I called for help. Carey came down, assessed the situation, and, in what I can only imagine took extreme patience not to club me over the head with a hammer, explained that I needed a smaller Phillips head screwdriver. Not surprising, that was the miracle I needed. Things became much simpler at that point. Apparently, the one I was using was for bigger screws.

Oh.

I always wondered why he had 20 different screwdrivers in his toolbox. Now I know. My only other hiccup came at the end when I had to join the top half of the kitchen to the lower half. There were four screws that had to be gotten to that were inside the little oven section, and four screws that were conveniently located in the narrow gap between the sink and the side wall. Which would have been had the directions not explicitly said "DO NOT PUT HEAD IN OVEN OR SIDE BOARD SHELF." Where was the only place to put my head to see where to place these sadistic screws? In the oven and side board shelf.

At any rate, 3 hours later I could stand back proudly and say "I made that" ... well, I screwed it all together anyway. I am man, hear me roar. And I can't wait until tomorrow morning to see her face when she sees it in her living room. I have no idea what happens when she actually needs something complicated put together.

PS - If you see her before then, please don't tell her about this post. The kitchen is a secret. Shhhh!  :)